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CIA Test
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her !!! The man said, You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home. The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't Kill my wife. The agent said, You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks, she said, I had to beat him to death with the chair. Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them!
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Finish what you started
I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to Finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished - and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates....
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Sex is a beauty treatment Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
*Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
*Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
*Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need Special sneakers!*Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
*The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
*Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
*Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
*Sex actually relieves headaches. Lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
*A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, You seem like nice young men and I'd like to give you a second chance, rather than jail time. I want you both to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday morning for your results. Monday morning, the two guys were in court and the judge asked the first one, How did you do over the weekend? Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever. 17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them? I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, like this ...O...o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs. That's extremely admirable said the judge. And you, how did you do? he asked the second boy. Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever. 156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that? Well, I used a similar approach. (drawing two circles) ...o...O I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your asshole before prison...
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TOP INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:
Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters. The tongue depressors taste faintly of fudgesicles. The only proctologist in the plan: is from Roto-Rooter. The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is An Apple A Day Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network Charges is not a typographical error. The only expense covered 100% is Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them. You ask for Viagra, and they give you a popsicle stick and duct tape.
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SHIPPING MANURE
Historical information you need to know About Shipping Manure:
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks, and the first time someone came below at night, with a lantern, BOOOOM!! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term, Ship High In Transit on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term S.H.I.T which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
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Generic name In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, and Advil is ibuprofen. The Industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin. Pfizer Inc. recently indicated that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount &Do.
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A Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of aparking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment . And I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy Moly what the hell is in this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork, slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. These hicks are out of their minds.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting frog- faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice, disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 --Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told Her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other Judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
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Roping!
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why...can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!" After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again,"Them horses, they're roping!" She replies,"Oh, I see!" Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each others bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husbands penis. "Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?" "Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly: "That's ma' rope! " She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness what are those? she asks. "Honey, those're my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?" "No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!!!!
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Catholic school girls...
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St.Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. " All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush? " The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
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Ultimate Blonde Joke
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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Blonde joke
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible! Says the doctor. Show me. The redheaded beauty takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, you're not really a redhead, are you? Well, no she says, I'm actually a blonde. I thought so, the doctor says. Your finger is broken.
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Car Dealership A woman walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today. Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just touching it... you're going to shit when you hear the price.
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One day a Bear and a Rabbit were shitting in the woods. The Bear looks over at the rabbit and asked, ”Do you have problems getting shit out of your fur?” The Rabbit replies, “No, why.” The Bear then reaches over to the Rabbit picks him up with his giant bear claws and wipes his ass with him…
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A guy goes to an optometrist. The doctor says, “You must stop Masturbating.” The man asks, “Why, Am I going blind?” The doctor exclaims “No, but you’re upsetting the patients in the waiting room!!”…
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Springroll was very poor growing up, he was so poor that if he didn’t wake up with a hard-on on Christmas morning he would have nothing to play with….
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An elderly couple sitting on a swing on a hot summer day started reminiscing about days gone by. The women gets up slaps her husband on the cheek and sits back down. The old man turns to his wife and says, “What was that for?” She turns to him and replies, “That’s for being a lousy lover for all these years!” The man sits there and ponders for a minute, than he gets up and belts the women in the mouth and sits back down. Moments later she cries, “What was that for?” The man turns to her says, “That’s for knowing the difference.”….
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A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed into the back room. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?” The hooker replies, “Three knots!” The sailor stops and says, “Three knots, what are you talking about?” The hooker says, “ You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”…..
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How do you separate the men from the boys on a Boy Scout camping trip? With a fire hose…
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A burglar breaks into a house one night turns on his flashlight and sees an expensive stereo and DVD player. As he approaches it, a voice behind him whispers, “Jesus is watching you.” The startled burglar turns and shines his flashlight on a caged parrot in the corner of the room. “Was that you? “ the burglar asked. “Yes”, answers the parrot, “My name is Moses, how do you do?” The burglar, amused by the talking bird, asks, “What kind of people name a parrot Moses?” The bird replies, “The same kind of people that name their Rottweiler Jesus.”…
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A sky-diver is getting ready for a jump when he spots another sky-diver wearing dark glasses and holding a guide dog on a very long leash. Shocked that the blind man is going to jump, he strikes up a conversation with him. “I’m sorry, I have to ask,” the sky-diver eventually inquires, “how do you know when the ground is getting close?” “That’s easy,” replies the blind man. “The leash goes slack”…
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A women rushes into a police station and cries, “Help, help! I’ve been molested by a virgin!” After calming the lady down, a police officer asks, “How do you know it was a virgin?” The women gasps, “Because I had to help him.”…
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What’s the difference between acne and a priest? Acne usually comes on a boy’s face after he turns 13…
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A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, “Want to play magic?” She replies, “What’s that?” He says, “We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear.” ….
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What do they call two lesbians in a closet? A licker cabinet…
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Why does Springroll screw sheep at the edge of a cliff? They push back harder…
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During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, “The Bible covers everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can’t find in the good book.” A woman in the back pew raises her hand and asks, “What about PMS?” Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, ”Oh, here it is:’ And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem”…
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WITTICISMS
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. **Guess I'm just a Lesbian: I like to eat, drink and FEEL Mary
The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the Impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
“Definition of a teenager?” God's punishment for enjoying sex.
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
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Ladies night out
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his left butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his right butt cheek. In an attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill, called the guy over, and licked the $50 bill. I was worried about the way things were going, but fortunately, she just stuck the fifty to his left butt cheek again.
My relief was short-lived. The guy raced over to me!!! Now everyone's attention was focused > on me, and the guy was egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do???? The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.
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Senior citizen in Tampa bought a brand new Corvette
A senior citizen in Tampa bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
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Chinese couple gets married
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus tyne and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say.
Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently, for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan .....numba 69". More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries: "You want .. Shrimp wif
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Honest man
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." Isn't this priceless?
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1st Year Med
First-year students at a medical school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real cadaver. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two (2) important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body" For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
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Things to do at Wal-Mart when your board
* Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
*Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
*Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
*Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares .... and see what happens.
*Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
*Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
*Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
*When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
*Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
*While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
*Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
*In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
*Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
*When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
*Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
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Welcome to Illinois! Attention All Tourists Coming to Illinois:
*Don't order steak or pasta primavera at Denny's. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the cooks in the kitchen they will kick your ass.
* Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St.Elmo, Gays, Reddick, Dongola, Dupo, Ashkum, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.
* Don't order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
* We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you are. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as Midwesterners. We are from Illinois and we can kick your ass.
* We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. We admit to small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
* Don't laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log home. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 post cards can't be bad. And in Chicago don't point and laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your ass.
* We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.
* Don't order the fruit plate for dessert. Order a steak and a potato or pizza for dinner and then have cheesecake or we will kick your ass.
* Don't try to fake a Chicago accent. We don't have an accent. If you say we do then we will kick your ass.
* Don't talk to us about how much better things are where you came from because we know better. Many of us have visited big city hell-holes like Washington D.C., Detroit, Cleveland, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles. If you don't like it here, O'Hare is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
* Don't complain that Illinois is flat and that there are not enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your ass all the way back to Virginia.
* Pronouncing the 's' at the end of Illinois is not funny. Doing it will get your ass kicked.
* Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us Chicago is full of gangsters. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this and you will be wearing cement shoes in the bottom of the Chicago River.
* Now then, welcome to Illinois, enjoy your visit, spend your money and then go home.
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Only in America
*Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
*Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
*Only in America...do drug stores make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
*Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
*Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
*Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
*Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
*Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
*Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
*Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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EVER WONDER ?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
That indestructible black box that is used on airplanes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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THE CAB RIDE
Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.
So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.
"It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated".
"Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.
When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"
"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.
"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice".
I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were glistening.
"I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long."
I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now."
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.
"Nothing," I said.
"You have to make a living," she answered.
"There are other passengers," I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."
I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.
What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware--beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
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Here is a good one! Enjoy!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He always made his own lunch."
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HERE'S A STORY FROM THE GOVERNOR HIMSELF!
One day the Governor decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies from The Gentleman Grochowski Show. He invited Springroll, Lakeshore, Twenty-one, Keven, the H-Bomb,Curley and all the fans of the show. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his parents second story ranch-style home.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating hotdogs, cheeseburgers,shrimp, potato chips, oysters, BBQ ribs and vegetarian delights while flirting with the women of the Gentleman Grochowski Swim-suit calender. At the height of the party, the H-Bomb said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in the pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of the H-Bomb's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Springroll in the pool fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Springroll was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke-holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Springroll and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Springroll strangled the gator and let it sink to the bottom like a Wal-Mart goldfish. Springroll then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the H-Bomb says, "Well, Springroll, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Springroll.
The H-Bomb said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Springroll.
The H-Bomb said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"
Springroll said "No."
The confused H-Bomb said, "Well, Springroll, then what do you want?"
Springroll said, "I want the name of the mother fucker who pushed me in the pool."________________________________________________________________________________
The Governor used this picture to explain a blowjob to Springroll...
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Ah yes! Jokes about the South are always good...
You know you are in Georgia...
You know you are in GEORGIA during the summertime when:
1. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
2. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
3. You can make sun tea instantly.
4. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
5. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
6. You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
7. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
8. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
9. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
10. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
11. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
12. The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
13. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
14. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
15. The cows are giving evaporated milk.
16. The trees are whistling for the dogs.
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The Governor received this from a fan - Finger Lickin Good!
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no." the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "that there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
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HERE'S ANOTHER JOKE SENT IN BY A FAN OF THE SHOW!
Poor kid...
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his pants unzipped.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she says.
"I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
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HERE ARE SOME JOKES SENT IN BY A COMPUTER-GEEK FAN OF THE SHOW!
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
10. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, no, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.
13. Tech Support:
"Ok, Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
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EVER BEEN THIS DRUNK ???
Scroll down and try NOT to piss yourself laughing!
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PRICELESS PICS - Check em out!!
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HERE IS A GOOD ONE!
Hormones in Semen Shown to Make Women Feel Good
Wed Jun 26, 2:09 PM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - Hormones in semen may help to ease female depression because women whose partners don't use condoms are less likely to feel down. Scientists at the State University of New York suspect the mood-altering hormones are absorbed through the vagina and make women feel good but they stressed that their results are not an excuse for unprotected sex.
"I want to make it clear that we are not advocating that people abstain from using condoms," Gordon Gallup, who led the study, told New Scientist magazine on Wednesday.
"Clearly an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease would more than offset any advantageous psychological effects of semen," he added.
The researchers assessed the moods of 300 female students using a standard questionnaire. A score of more than 17 was considered moderately depressed. Women whose partners never used condoms scored about eight on the test while those who never had sex without condoms scored 11.3. Women who weren't having sex at all scored about 13.5. Depression in the students who sometimes or never used condoms was more severe the longer they went without sex.
The scientists said they looked at other factors, such as the use of oral contraceptives, frequency of sex and personality type, but found that none could account for the findings. The magazine said the results are not a complete surprise because scientists know that semen contains several mood-altering hormones including testosterone.
"Some of these have been detected in a woman's blood within hours of exposure to semen," the magazine said.
The scientists suspect semen will have the same effect on women regardless of how they are exposed to it.
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Jokes about or involving animals...always good stuff !
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Dick-related jokes !
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Check out these dirty funnies !
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Check out these funnies !
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Check out these funnies !
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Check out these funnies !
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